Aaargh! I had thought that by now I'd be writing a very different episode, something with substance. But unfortunately, there is nothing new. Today is two weeks since the surgery and only just this morning did the pathology report arrive at the surgeon's office. This has been a long wait and will continue until I hear from London with an appointment date. This week? Next week?
This has not been a good week. As calm as I may appear, I am getting tired of waiting. I've been doing a lot of sleeping which is to be expected recovering from surgery. Unfortunately, when I'm not sleeping, I'm generally feeling sorry for myself. Too restless to rest and to weary to put the restlessness to good use. Not a good combination.
The other night I had a dream that I was living in a glass house in the middle of the forest. I was standing in the middle of the living room watching a young deer walk by. All of a sudden, the deer bounded away. I knew there was only one reason for a deer to hurry so quickly: a wolf was near. I was worried because I knew I would see it through the glass (and vice versa) but I reminded myself that all the windows and doors were closed so I would be okay. I was wrong. The wolf came in through the open door and grabbed my arm. That's when I woke up. I think the symbolism of the wolf is fairly straight-forward. My arm hurts.
I am, however, a bit more perplexed about the glass house. There are two possibilities running through my mind. One, which I think is the more likely, is that I always felt somewhat secure in the idea that truly bad things only happen to "other people". I could be compassionate but from a convenient distance. Now, the glass house of my own immunity has been shattered. I've had to contemplate my mortality. It's not fun. I told my husband
that I'm not comfortable with dark, small spaces. He thought I was
joking but I wasn't. I've become "other people", the one everyone feels sorry for, the one for whom noone has the right words. I've seen the pity and the helplessness in their eyes, their desire to wave the magic wand and make it all better. But they can't. Noone can walk this for me.
Not so long ago, the lady from Episode 5 came to visit me after my surgery. I'm clinging to her words, "This is do-able." I hope she's right.
We are here for you day or night
ReplyDelete24/7
Hang in there
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Thanks. I know you are.
DeleteThe lady from Episode 5 IS right. This IS do-able. Just keep that in mind.
ReplyDeleteHi, Dawn.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post. I know that sometimes dreams seem so real and that they must be applied to oneself. Personally, I have never put much stock into dreams. I think you were right, the wolf was just reminding you that your arm hurts. After a week, or less, this dream, also, will loose its significance.
Love, Dad
True but I think I was living in a glass house. I've had such a blessed life, governed by cause-and-effect, it's kind of mind-baffling now to think that this could happen to me. BTW, I dreamt about the wolf two or three nights ago. This morning, I found out that someone in God's Lake got attacked by a wolf yesterday, I believe it was. Spooky.
DeleteMy dear cousin sent me this lovely note: Dawn, I don't know how to comment directly on your Blog, so here is my comment to episode 13:
ReplyDeleteDawn, you have gone through so much in the past weeks and will continue to go through so much more in the future. Much more than most of us will experience in our lifetimes (fortunately for the rest of us). Give yourself a break! Of course you are tired and don't have the energy that you'd like! The fact that you, a teacher, forgot the hyphen twice in no-one tells me alot about your state of mind. This is not a criticism!!
Relax and take the time that you need to heal.
As far as your "glass house" goes, to me it's obvious. You've placed yourself in a glass house by writing your blog and sharing your story with whoever cares enough to read it. That's a good thing! Telling your story can only help others but if it ever is at the expense of your health and peace of mind, then it will be time to stop.
Take car, I hope all continues to go well for you, and know that you are still and will remain a source of inspiration.
Thanks, Cuz: P.S. : You're not alone and you're not in the dark. You are well informed, knowledgeable about the possible challenges ahead and have the support of people who love you. That doesn't sound alone or dark to me.
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