Episode 16: We Have a Plan

Thank you so so much for positive feedback. Very few people post comments directly on the blog (I'm not even sure it works) but people who tell me personally that they "enjoy" the reading give me a boost that keeps me going for days. I have struggled all week with writing this latest episode. I want to write and keep people informed but, quite honestly, I've been feeling down and that's when I don't enjoy writing. Tonight I received a phone call from a dear friend who gave me the lift I needed to sit down and write again.

Yesterday, we watched Saving Mr. Banks. I've never thought of myself as a fan of Mary Poppins* but wouldn't it be great if someone could just whisk their way into my life and make it all better. Apparently, the author of Mary Poppins (P.L. Travers) had a difficult childhood and as a result became cold and bitter. Likewise, Walt Disney (Sr.) also had a difficult childhood but came to a different conclusion. He learned the art of forgiveness and of hope. My quotation isn't perfect but his lovely speech in reply to "Mary Poppins isn't real" goes something like this:

No, no, no. She's as real as can be to my daughters and thousands of other kids, adults too. ... I don't tell you (my childhood) to make you sad, Ms Travers. I don't. I love my life. I think it's a miracle ... but I'm tired. I'm tired of remembering (the harshness). Aren't you tired, Ms Travers? Now, we all have our sad tales but don't you want to finish the story? Let it go? Don't you want to have a story that isn't dictated by the past? ... That's what story tellers do. We restore order with imagination. We instill hope, again and again and again. ... George Banks will be redeemed. He will be saved, if not in life, then in imagination. ... And when it's time to fly a kite, thousands will rejoice.

I mention this because also yesterday I was annoyed by a frivolous article from a woman who complained that her boobs weren't the right shape (I'm not speaking about a medically necessary change) and how she wished there was a fairy godmother to take them away from her. I couldn't let it go. I had to answer. Rather abruptly, I told her that she could borrow my fairy godmother who goes by the name of breast cancer. I have no sympathy these days for whiners but when I told my husband about it I realized that I just might be becoming bitter. I must guard against that. It's no one else's fault that this has happened to me. And wasn't it I who said that this is a great time for boob jokes? Six months ago, I might have been laughing at her silliness myself.

This link is not silly at all. Instead it's rather sobering but I want to share it with you. It came from the Globe & Mail and I found the comments very insightful: http://m.theglobeandmail.com/life/health-and-fitness/health/adventures-in-lymphomaland-our-readers-share-their-stories-about-life-with-cancer/article17721226/?service=mobile


So here's the plan.** Last Tuesday, I met with the chemotherapy specialist. I start chemotherapy next Thursday. I've been told to plan to be at the hospital for about five hours and then I get to go home. (All the ginger ale I want, and soup and sandwiches for lunch. I'm so excited.) I guess that means most of the lousy feelings happen at home. There will be six sessions of chemo spaced out over 18 weeks. My chemo package is the FEC/D combination (Fluourouracil, Epirubicin, Cyclophosphamide, Docetaxel) which is given through IV. There will also be some other pills and injections to help with the side effects. Nurses will be coming to the house for this. I really don't know what to expect so yes, I'm scared.

If I can I will keep you updated but if you don't hear from me for awhile it most likely means that I'm feeling like barnyard dirt. I'd like to mention, also, that messages of encouragement are gratefully received but you likely won't hear back from me. I generally don't have the energy for the telephone and my brain is a little full these days so expressions of gratitude are easily mis-placed. Please don't feel forgotten, ignored or offended. You may not see it but I am hanging cards, watering plants, feasting on treats, and cuddling in comforters.

Until next time ...
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*Oddly, though, Mary Poppins and Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang are the two movies I've seen more often than any other and if someone were to identify me by a particular housekeeper/nanny model, I probably just might resemble Mary Poppins.

**In Episode 14, I explained that we were waiting for the results from the HER2 testing. As it turns out, they were negative which is good news for me. One less problem to worry about. And another piece of good news is that it's highly unlikely that my cancer is genetic. Tomorrow, I will meet with the radiation specialist. After chemo, there will be radiation but I'll get those details next week.